Snow White and Rose Red

Snow White and Rose Red
By Christian Yates

Based on
The Brothers Grimm’s “Schneeweißchen und Rosenrot”

Scene 1

(Lights up)

(Narrator sits at R. holding a storybook)

Narrator: Once upon a time, there lived two little girls. Probably they lived with their mother, but she’s unimportant to the story. The first little girl’s name was Rose Red (Rose enters from L.). She was outspoken and outdoorsy. The second little girl’s name was Snow White (Snow enters from L.), and she had nothing to do with that other Snow White who hung out with dwarves had a psychotic stepmother.

(Rose and Snow sit on the ground at C. Rose tosses a baseball in the air while Snow reads)

Narrator: One winter night, there was a knock at the door. (Knock from R. Rose rises and crosses R.) And when Rose Red answered the door, she found a bear. (Bear enters R. and crosses with Rose to C) Because apparently we’re living in a world where bears have evolved the ability to knock on doors.

Bear: Do not be afraid.

Narrator: Oh, also the bear could talk.

Bear: It’s just really cold outside and I thought maybe I could warm up a bit at your place.

Rose: I guess that’s alright. What’s the worst that could happen?

Narrator: What, indeed. Did I mention it was a bear?

(Lights down)

Scene 2

(Lights up)

(Rose, Snow, and Bear at C. They are playing happily)

Narrator: Every day for the rest of the winter, because for some reason he didn’t need to hibernate, the bear would come back to the house to play with the girls. But when summer came--

Bear: Well, I have to get going. Now that summer’s here, it’s time to guard my treasure.

Snow: You have treasure?

Bear: Of course I do! But I won’t for long if I don’t guard it from that wicked dwarf.

Rose: We’ll miss you, Mr. Bear.

Bear: I’ll be around. And if you happen to see that dwarf while you’re outside this summer, you can go ahead and just kill him. (Pause) Well, bye!

(Bear exits R)

Snow: Wow, treasure! Just like in my storybooks!

Rose: Snow! We should go look for the dwarf and stop him from getting Bear’s treasure!

Snow: That’s a great idea, Rose!

Narrator: And, because of a lack of parental supervision, that’s just what they did.

(Rose and Snow exit R)

(Lights down)

Scene 3

(Lights up)

Narrator: I’d like to take just a moment and point out to any impressionable members of the audience that if ever you open your front door and find a bear, you should not let them inside. Most bears, even those that can knock on doors, are not very friendly with humans. And if you do happen to invite a bear into your home, you should most definitely not go hunting for the dwarf that is its mortal enemy. These are very dangerous activities.

(Rose and Snow enter R. holding a map)

Narrator: Now that I’ve done my public service, on with the story.

Snow: Rose, we’ve been walking around the wood for hours, and we still haven’t found any dwarf.

Rose: You’re right. And even if we did find him, would we really want to kill him like Bear said?

Narrator: As Rose and Snow pondered these moral quandaries, they heard the cries of someone in peril. (Dwarf appears at L. His beard is caught in a tree)

Dwarf: Help! Someone help!

(Rose and Snow rush to Dwarf)

Snow: Are you okay?

Dwarf: Do I look okay? My beautiful Dwarven beard is caught in this stupid tree!

Rose: Don’t worry, I’ll help you.

(Rose cuts Dwarf’s beard, freeing him)

Dwarf: You--you cut my beard! You’re the worst!

Snow: But we saved you.

Dwarf: At what cost? At what cost?!

Snow: You remember when you asked if we’d want to kill the dwarf if we found him?

Rose: Yes, and the morality of it is no longer in question.

Snow: I almost feel like it’d be wrong not to.

(Dwarf starts R, but Bear enters, blocking his path)

Narrator: The bear heard the cries of the dwarf and rushed onto the scene. He pinned the dwarf to the ground and raised a paw, ready to attack.

Dwarf: Wait! Don’t kill me! Kill the girls instead! They’ve got twice the meat on them, easily!

Rose: Whoa, what’s that supposed to mean?

Dwarf: (Pause) Nothing.

Bear: Say goodnight, Gracie.

Dwarf: Is that--did you just make a Burns and Allen reference?

(Bear smacks Dwarf. Dwarf dies)

Rose: Wow, that was violent.

(Bear begins to writhe in pain)

Snow: Mr. Bear, what’s wrong?

Narrator: The bear was in too much pain to respond, but luckily, the Narrator knew the story. The bear, as it so happened, wasn’t a bear at all.

(Bear turns into a prince)

Narrator: He was a prince, cursed by the dwarf. But with the dwarf dead, the spell was broken.

Prince: Finally, I am myself again! I can return to the castle with my brother, who is also a prince. I couldn’t have done it without you two.

Rose: Alright, you’re dropping some pretty strong hints. And we accept your offer.

Prince: I beg your pardon?

Snow: We’ll marry you and your brother and live in the castle as well.

Prince: Well, I--

Rose: After all, you couldn’t have done it without us.

Prince: I guess I should’ve seen this coming.

Snow: And we should’ve seen the prince transformation coming. Who ever heard of a talking bear?

Narrator: And so, Snow married the bear and Rose married the bear’s brother, and they all lived happily ever after in a castle. But again, I want to stress that if you meet a talking bear, the odds are low that the bear is actually a prince. Do not approach it, and if it is in your house, contact animal control immediately.

(Lights down)

END