Hansel and Gretel

Hansel & Gretel
By Christian Yates

Based on
The Brothers Grimm’s “Hänsel und Gretel”

Scene 1

(Lights up)

(Stump at center, Woodcutter stands by stump. Narrator sits R. holding a storybook)

Narrator: Once upon a time, somewhere in Germany, there lived a Woodcutter and his two adorable children: Hansel (Hansel enters R.) and Gretel. (Gretel enters L.) They’re so cute you could just eat them up--but I’m getting ahead of myself. They lived with the Woodcutter’s second wife (Wife enters L.), who was a mean, nasty woman, and it’s really a wonder what the Woodcutter even saw in her to begin with. But I digress. At this time, Germany was troubled by a famine, which is a fancy way of saying that Hansel and Gretel, who loved eating, were quickly depleting the family pantry (Hansel and Gretel pull out loaves of bread from behind their backs and begin to eat it happily before skipping off the way the came).

Wife: We’ve got to do something about these greedy little brats before they gobble up all our food!

Woodcutter: I know, dear, but what can be done? They’re growing children, after all, and growing children need their nutrition.

Wife: We’ll do the only sensible thing: walk them into the woods and abandon them!

Narrator: The Woodcutter was troubled by this prospect, but after a convincing argument from his wretch of a wife--

Wife: If you let this go on, food isn’t the only thing you’ll be deprived of!

Narrator: --he finally agreed.

Woodcutter: Bugger…

(Lights down)

Scene 2

(Lights to half)

(Hansel and Gretel at center, collecting pebbles and putting them in a small bag)

Narrator: Now, Hansel and Gretel may have been a tad gluttonous, but they were not simple-minded. They overheard their stepmother’s nefarious plot and quickly put together a plan to outfox her. That night, they collected pebbles from the yard.

Hansel: If we collect enough of these, we’ll be able to make a trail leading straight home!

Gretel: And perhaps if we’ve some left over, we can throw them at our evil stepmother.

Narrator: Gretel had thinly veiled rage issues.

(Hansel and Gretel exit R.)

(Lights up)

Narrator: The next day (Woodcutter, Wife, Hansel, and Gretel enter R. Wife pushing the children unwillingly along), the Woodcutter and his wife led the children into the wilderness to do the one thing every parent dreams of at some point. All the while, Hansel dropped pebbles behind him to mark the trail.

Wife: (Stopping and pointing) Look children! Off in the distance! Do you see that deer?

(The children peer off into the distance as Woodcutter and Wife slink off)

Gretel: I don’t see any--(turns around, seeing they’ve been abandoned)--oh, she’s good.

Hansel: Well, come on then. Let’s follow the trail back home.

Gretel: (muttering) I still think a stoning would do that woman good.

(Hansel and Gretel exit R.)

(Lights down)

(Lights up)

(Woodcutter at R. looking sullen, Wife at C. doing a happy jig)

Narrator: The Woodcutter’s wife was happy to be rid of the children, but fortunately for our intrepid heroes--(Hansel and Gretel enter L. Wife sees them, stops dancing)--her happiness was short-lived.

Wife: Bugger…

(Lights down)

Scene 3

(Lights up)

(Wife at R. Hansel and Gretel at L. eating bread)

Narrator: Unfortunately, there is some wickedness in life you just can’t quite snuff out. So it was with the Woodcutter’s wife. When Hansel and Gretel began eating up all the food again, the Wife, who had since discovered the children’s pebble trick, decided to immediately employ her stand-by method of child-rearing, so as not to allow any time for pebble-collecting, and took the children into the woods once more.

(Wife drags Hansel and Gretel off L.)

(Lights down)

(Lights up)

(Wife, Hansel, and Gretel enter L. Wife throws children to ground)

Wife: And this time, stay abandoned!

(Wife storms off L.)

Gretel: Bugger. Now what do we do?

Hansel: (revealing loaf of bread) Don’t worry, sister. I made a breadcrumb trail to follow this time. We’re saved!

Narrator: But, as fate would have it, a hungry bird, whose bird-family was probably also troubled by Germany’s famine, had been eating Hansel’s bread trail all along.

(A bird appears L. and begins eating the breadcrumb trail)

Hansel: Bugger…

Narrator: Luckily, they stumbled onto an ornately decorated house comprised primarily of sugary substances, which had just been appraised at $180,000.

(A small cottage appears R. It is made of candy)

Gretel: Hansel, look! A gingerbread house!

Hansel: Let’s ignore the fact that someone probably spent a lot of time making it and instead just help ourselves to eating it!

(They rush to the house and dig in. Suddenly, Witch appears from behind the house)

Witch: What on earth do you little heathens think you’re doing?! Do you have any idea how long it takes to apply candy cane siding?

(Hansel and Gretel mumble with their mouths full)

Witch: How would you like it if I ate your house, you little snots?

Hansel: We’re lost. We can’t find our house.

Witch: Well, I prefer eating houses, but I suppose I’ll have to settle for eating the two of you!

(Witch throws nets over the children. They sit)

Gretel: Oh no! We’re trapped in what is obviously an attempt to lower the cost of this production by not using cages like they used in the original story!

Hansel: Hush, sister. The director is watching.

(They peer into the audience)

Witch: Enough nonsense, it’s chow time. (Witch pulls oven from behind house) Now, I haven’t really used this thing in a while, so I might be a little rusty at getting it started.

Narrator: The children, being German, were quick at thinking on their feet. Or, in this case, on their bottoms.

Gretel: I work the oven at home all the time. I can help you start it.

Witch: Oh, would you, dear? That’s very kind of you. (She helps Gretel out of the net and peers into the oven) Now, I’m sure we’ll need charcoal, but I wonder--

(Gretel pushes Witch into oven. Witch screams, then silence)

Witch: Bugger…

(Lights down)

Scene 4

(Lights up)

(Woodcutter at R. Hansel and Gretel enter L.)

Narrator: After stumbling through the woods for a few hours, Hansel and Gretel emerged and found their way home, after a nice trucker named Dave gave them directions to the interstate. The Woodcutter was overjoyed to see them, and gave them the best news of all.

Woodcutter: Your stepmother has died!

Hansel: How did she die?

Woodcutter: An accident, as far as the police can prove. Come children, let’s go in and eat.

Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for the Witch, I guess, who was really only trying to protect her property. And I suppose things didn’t work out very well for the stepmother either… You know, now that I think about it, this story’s kind of dark…

(Lights down)

END